I hate how I feel

Last few weeks, in particular, have been hard. I've had this constant problem with being depressed, but at the same time I can't sit still. And if I do sit still, I feel like my muscles are dying or something. Physically I'm tired, but mentally my mind is going a mile a minute.

I just want it to stop.

On the advice of my mother, I am toiling over the idea of meeting with a disability attorney, and possibily looking into getting government assistance. I'm tired of financially being a burden on everyone. I'm tired of not having any options. And the more I think about it, the more disability seems to be my only option to have any sort of enjoyable life.

Right now, there is very little enjoyment in mine.

I've been thinking a lot lately about hurting myself. Cutting. Not anything permanent, mind you. Suicide isn't an option, and I doubt it ever will be. But I understand why someone would go that far a lot more these days than I would have a few years ago. There comes a point where everything just becomes too much to handle.

Every night I dread going to sleep because it has become more and more difficult for me to be comfortable in attempting to just lay still and go to sleep.