I feel like shit

So I'm physically ill, which makes things even harder to deal with on the mental side of things. So let's just get this little story started. First, I had an appointment with a MD today. It wasn't my normal doctor because he is on vacation, so I had to see the other guy. He was fine enough, gave me some antibiotics and some better cough medicine, or so I thought. I get to the drug store and apparently the cough syrup he prescribed was just OTC tussin DM. Thanks. I totally could have bought that on my own.

When I started to think about it, I decided that I think the reason why he did that was he because he wasn't comfortable giving me a narcotic cough reliever. After all, I'm crazy, right? He sees Depakote and Abilify and all that other stuff and assumes I might be just seeking codeine or something to self medicate. That's really the only thing I can think of. Why else would he waste my time with giving me robatussin? The fucked up thing is I've never been a "self medicator" in that sense. Yes, I've bought and used OTC products before when I probably didn't need to. There were times in my life that I practically lived off of OTC cough syrup because I was convinced I couldn't breath without it. But I've never done that with prescription drugs.

Oh well.

He told me to call back in Monday if I'm not feeling better as my doctor might change that he gave me, which is what made me think this doctor was holding back on me.

Alone

I have noticed lately a lot of feelings of being alone. I realize that I'm not. I have people who care for me, including a wonderful fiance, but I still find myself at times drifting into this horrible thought that I am alone, by myself, with no one around me who can understand even a little bit what I am going through. The problem with feeling alone is that it can quickly turn into feeling lonely, which is a whole different beast.

I'm still going through a lot of hard times mentally. I get through them a little easier now with the drugs I'm on, but that doesn't mean I still don't struggle. Lately I've noticed this problem with being unable at times to distinguish dreams from reality. Like, I'll dream about some scenario at work, and the next day I'll find myself having to try and decide whether or not it really happened or not. It's usually not a big deal, but it seems to bother me more when I feel like my mood is a little out of wack.

I've been reading about derealization lately and find that it sounds very familiar. There are times when I'm just walking around at home, at work, at the grocery or wherever - familair places that seem odd to me, like somehow they are off. I remember when I lived in New York, I would go out at night or something by myself to go to the 711 or something and I would get this extrasensory feeling that I was walking through some dream world. I still get that feeling sometimes.

Not to mention the fact that I still, even with all the drugs I am on, am dealing with a lot of deja vu moments and situations where I think I see things that aren't there. It's never anything major, like hallucinating a person that isn't real, but just little glimpses, like I'm looking into another world or something, if only for just a split second.

Anyway, I got off subject. Back to feeling alone. I feel detached from everyone lately. I do my best to be warm and caring to my girlfriend, and I mean every bit of it, but sometimes I just find myself staring at her not knowing how to act or what to say or what to do. I worry about that, a lot actually. I worry that I'm not going to be able to be what she needs. I need to tell her this. I'm sure she'll think just that when she reads this. But I have a hard time explaining all of this verbally. It is so much easier to just sit and right it down as it comes to me. Plus, it seems like everything is magnified when I'm alone. So I can better explain how I feel.

I think it's time for sleep. I need to call in and get another appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Last time they gave me some hubub about maybe having to pay the full amount for appointments even though I qualified for their financial assistance. Apparently, because I went and got state assistance, they don't think they can offer me the 80% coverage, even though they don't accept my state-issued insurance. Well, I don't really understand it. At this point I guess I'll just see what happens. If I have to switch to new doctors somewhere else, I'll be very upset. I like my psychiatrist. He's very nice and smart and has done very good by me so far.

I still think about hurting myself. But I have kept myself from doing it with the excuse that I don't have anything acceptable, which is true, but also not. I could go out and by an exacto knife, for instance, but that would raise some suspicions at 1 in the morning. I'll just get by. Tomorrow is going to be awful but I just need to get through the day and then the rest of the week will be a lot easier.

I'm a black rainbow.

Trying to decide whether or not to cancel my appointment with my "temporary" therapist on Thursday. I don't really have the extra money to pay for it and I don't really know what it will do to go anyway.

Help Needed, but not Wanted

So I've made the first few steps in applying for federal help when it comes to my problems. I spoke to a lawyer and they told me to go ahead and apply for benifits. They expect that I will get denied, and once I do they will take over the case. I don't have to pay anything unless they win, and whatever I owe is taken out of back pay. So that is good.

At this point it is the only option I can see. I am just very tired of all of it myself. Tired of barely being able to live on what I make because the moment something changes with my schedule I freak the fuck out. The moment I have to work just a little bit more I feel like my whole world is crashing in on me. And this is coming from a job that I actually ENJOY doing. I think back to all the jobs I had that I walked out on or quit without notice because I finally couldn't take it anymore and I realize how lucky I am to have a job that allows me to work alone without anyone bothering me with plenty of downtime.

Ohhh I forgot to write about how I went to see my therapist the other day. Funny thing, I haven't seen her in over a month (normally I go every two weeks) but my appt kept getting moved. So I go in there and the lady at the front desk calls me up and apologises but my psychologist is no longer with them and that I will have to wait till I am assigned to a new one.

Thanks on that. I'm totally okay and everything and don't need any help at all. That's fine. Thanks. You know what? Go fuck yourselves. How about that. How about you fucking die. No one bothered to pick up a fucking phone and call her clients and tell them "hey, guess what, don't drive all the way in here because she's gone." Way to go you fucking moronic pieces of shit.

I hate how I feel

Last few weeks, in particular, have been hard. I've had this constant problem with being depressed, but at the same time I can't sit still. And if I do sit still, I feel like my muscles are dying or something. Physically I'm tired, but mentally my mind is going a mile a minute.

I just want it to stop.

On the advice of my mother, I am toiling over the idea of meeting with a disability attorney, and possibily looking into getting government assistance. I'm tired of financially being a burden on everyone. I'm tired of not having any options. And the more I think about it, the more disability seems to be my only option to have any sort of enjoyable life.

Right now, there is very little enjoyment in mine.

I've been thinking a lot lately about hurting myself. Cutting. Not anything permanent, mind you. Suicide isn't an option, and I doubt it ever will be. But I understand why someone would go that far a lot more these days than I would have a few years ago. There comes a point where everything just becomes too much to handle.

Every night I dread going to sleep because it has become more and more difficult for me to be comfortable in attempting to just lay still and go to sleep.