Alone

I have noticed lately a lot of feelings of being alone. I realize that I'm not. I have people who care for me, including a wonderful fiance, but I still find myself at times drifting into this horrible thought that I am alone, by myself, with no one around me who can understand even a little bit what I am going through. The problem with feeling alone is that it can quickly turn into feeling lonely, which is a whole different beast.

I'm still going through a lot of hard times mentally. I get through them a little easier now with the drugs I'm on, but that doesn't mean I still don't struggle. Lately I've noticed this problem with being unable at times to distinguish dreams from reality. Like, I'll dream about some scenario at work, and the next day I'll find myself having to try and decide whether or not it really happened or not. It's usually not a big deal, but it seems to bother me more when I feel like my mood is a little out of wack.

I've been reading about derealization lately and find that it sounds very familiar. There are times when I'm just walking around at home, at work, at the grocery or wherever - familair places that seem odd to me, like somehow they are off. I remember when I lived in New York, I would go out at night or something by myself to go to the 711 or something and I would get this extrasensory feeling that I was walking through some dream world. I still get that feeling sometimes.

Not to mention the fact that I still, even with all the drugs I am on, am dealing with a lot of deja vu moments and situations where I think I see things that aren't there. It's never anything major, like hallucinating a person that isn't real, but just little glimpses, like I'm looking into another world or something, if only for just a split second.

Anyway, I got off subject. Back to feeling alone. I feel detached from everyone lately. I do my best to be warm and caring to my girlfriend, and I mean every bit of it, but sometimes I just find myself staring at her not knowing how to act or what to say or what to do. I worry about that, a lot actually. I worry that I'm not going to be able to be what she needs. I need to tell her this. I'm sure she'll think just that when she reads this. But I have a hard time explaining all of this verbally. It is so much easier to just sit and right it down as it comes to me. Plus, it seems like everything is magnified when I'm alone. So I can better explain how I feel.

I think it's time for sleep. I need to call in and get another appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Last time they gave me some hubub about maybe having to pay the full amount for appointments even though I qualified for their financial assistance. Apparently, because I went and got state assistance, they don't think they can offer me the 80% coverage, even though they don't accept my state-issued insurance. Well, I don't really understand it. At this point I guess I'll just see what happens. If I have to switch to new doctors somewhere else, I'll be very upset. I like my psychiatrist. He's very nice and smart and has done very good by me so far.

I still think about hurting myself. But I have kept myself from doing it with the excuse that I don't have anything acceptable, which is true, but also not. I could go out and by an exacto knife, for instance, but that would raise some suspicions at 1 in the morning. I'll just get by. Tomorrow is going to be awful but I just need to get through the day and then the rest of the week will be a lot easier.