Long Time, No Blog

Haven't updated in a while. Generally I haven't felt the need to. Anyway, moving along. This weekend we had a party for my fiance's birthday. I really hate the fact that I'm really not supposed to drink. Here's the thing. I've never been a big drinker. But I like to partake on occassion. So not being able to, especially when I put effort into making a tasty drink for everyone else, annoys me. So I had two glasses of alcoholic punch.

No big deal. No crazy effects. But now it's time for bed. Normally I would take my depakote and abilify right now. However, I am worried about taking them because of those glasses of alcohol I had several hours earlier. This probably sounds weird, because I know there are people who openly drink while taking these medications even though it is advised against, but I'm worried that I'm just going to end up causing some horrible damage to my liver because of it and this one dose could be what does it. So now I'm trying to decide whether to just skip the dose or not.


So I've been on depakote now for a while and I still feel like I'm in a fog on many days. Today, for instance, I slept a good ten hours because I was off. And yet here it is, at 6 p.m., and I'm feeling drowsy and could easily fall asleep if I wanted to. I know this is a side effect of the drug and things have been a lot better since I started it, but I hate feeling like this every day.

Psychiatrist Appt Today

So had a weird day at the psychiatrist. I was getting aggrivated because he kept pushing for me to explain why I thought throwing a can of soup on the windshield of our car was so funny. I don't know why it was so funny. I wasn't thinking clearly. I know he wanted to see if there was something else there but so be it.

Further more, he apparently isn't convinced that I actually have bipolar disoarder. He obviously believes I have mood issues and a whole range of other problems, but isn't dead set on lumping me in the bipolar category yet. I'm sort of annoyed by this. While I wasn't happy to hear the original idea that I might be or am bipolar, at least I could get some satisfaction of knowing what I was and what to look out for. Now I am back in a grey area, something I've been in for years and years now.

He added Abilify to my list of medications. That should be fun.

I'm tired

I haven't taken my medication today and I don't fucking want to. I want to shove those fucking pills down someone elses throat. I'm just so fucking tired of this game. I will never be anything but a broken toy, not fit for society's expextations.
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I don't understand

Before I started seeing my current doctors, I applied for financial assistance because I cannot afford the help I need. Apparently my mother has been getting bills from them. She didn't tell me until yesterday because she was going to pay them knowing I didn't have it.

The fucked up thing is, I don't understand how I owe anything. I was told that all I would owe would be %20 of the cost of each visit. 20 for the therapist and 25 for the psychiatrist. And I've been paying that. Every two weeks for the psychologist and every month or so for the psychiatrist.

But apparently there are other charges. For instance, every time I have called the nurse that is twetny dollars. Like whem my shrink canceled my appt and I needed refills. Twenty dollars. And I've had to call her a couple of times so those have added up and so bow I guess I owe a back log of 85 bucks, which isn't awful but that's not the point. I feel deceived and pissed off. What the fuck is the point of even trying to get help?

I'm tired of all of this.

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I want to just shove nails under my fingernails right now I am so aggrivated. I don't understand the point of making someone feel guilty because you think they are ignoring you. Making me feel guilty is only going to actually piss me the fuck right off and make me NOT want to be around someone. I'm in a terrible fucking mood, I want to rip my throat open because of my stupid fucking tonsils still bothering me, and I can't even spend a quiet day at home. I have to fucking stand up on a stool and announce how joyful I am that my girlfriend is home. Yes, she had a shitty fucking day at work. Yes, she deserves to be given attention. But maybe instead of just making me feel guilty about it she should, oh I don't know, take some initiative and try talking to me instead of giving me fucking attitude. Seriously, right now I want to fucking slit my wrists open just so I can stop fucking feeling any of this. My throat, the attitude, this fucking bullshit weather, time just slipping away like it always does, it's all just so fucking pointless and ridiculous. Why do we even bother with any of it? We're a dying race of morons, running in hampster wheels, content to just keep on running and never stopping and wondering WHY we're running. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. You are all fucking pathetic and I want to fucking smash your faces in. I'm tired of all of this shit. I just want to have ONE FUCKING MINUTE for myself where I do not feel like I'm being pulled in every fucking direction, even by my own fucking stupid twisted brain that can't just IGNORE MY FUCKING TONSILS like it is supposed to do but instead it just keeps on reminding me that they are back there, tickling the back of my throat, making me feel like I am going to choke on them even though they are perfectly fine when I look at them.


Fear and Loathing

Sometimes when I'm alone I get this strange feeling that I am being watched. Or like today, I was driving to work and I kept flinching at the same spot of dirt on the window because I kept thinking it was something trying to get me.
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General Anxiety Bullshit

The last week or so I've been having a lot of problems with anxiety.  Mostly it has to do with this nagging feeling in the back of my throat.  It's like all of a sudden my brain decided to stop ignoring my tonsils and now I feel like I am constantly choking on them.

I've been bad about sticking to my xanax directions.  I've been taking only half a pill, and more often than not only taking it once or twice a day.  I was doing this to cut down on any added drowsiness that I was already feeling because of the depakote but now I wonder if I am paying for that.

Either way it is making it quite the chore to fall asleep, because I'm worried that I'm going to suffocate in my sleep because my throat is going to close up.

General Update

Nothing really to report lately.  It seems that I have leveled out through the last week, which is good.  Tiffany thinks it's the depakote starting to work, which it may very well be.  I guess we will wait and see.  I have been in a better mood lately.  Still battling the drowsiness but what can you do.

I'm mildly annoyed that it seems like I have had no time to just relax this weekend.  Friday we went out for our anniversery, which was fun, but then Saturday we had to go to a party, which was also fun, but it just seemed to really suck any relaxation I normally could have gotten.  And then today just flew out the window and here it is already almost 1 in the morning and I have to go to bed soon.

Luckily, I'm off Tuesday.  I was scheduled at first (which would mean I would have had to work through the entire week for the first time in months) but I got that changed.  I think I might have buckled a little having to jump right in to that many hours in a row.