Adderal Power!

Couple updates.

On the 27th I had the first appointment with my new psychiatrist. Not 100% sure about him yet. First of all, he is foreign. He has a thick accent and at times I had trouble understanding him. I don't really care where he's from so long as he knows what he's talking about. But at the same time I wish I would have been able to choose who I was going to see.

We went over everything, which was hard because I basically had to explain eight months of hard work I had done with my previous pdoc in thirty minutes. Something that annoyed me was that he seemed to question a lot of things. Like whether or not I was bipolar, etc etc. He was worried that my manic episodes were drug-induced from antidepressants. But I tried to explain to him that I wasn't always on medication and when I wasn't I still had the same problems.

I brought up the ADHD thing like I had planned. I explained that my former pdoc and I had talked about Adderal and other medications and that we just never got around to working on it. He seemed hesitant, which I hate. I know Adderal is like a class II controlled substance and I'd hate to believe that he thought I was just seeking a fix or something. Another shitty part about having to switch doctors is I have lost that trust I had with the previous pdoc. With Dr. Kanovitz I had a certain amount of control over what I was taking. With Dr. Saeed, I don't know if I will have that.

Anyway, moving on.

Today I had an appointment with my primary doctor to look at a weird mole. Turns out it is fine, just large and weird looking. But while I was there I brought up the whole mess and explained the situation. He wrote me a script for Adderal. That's the trust I'm talking about. He knows me. He knows I'm not just seeking drugs. So he wrote it for me.

Of course now I'm worried it's going to turn me into a spaz!

Long October

Well, it's been about three weeks since I have written anything. I've been meaning to, as quite a bit has happened, but I just haven't really had the desire to sit down and actually do something about it. But here we are, so here it goes.

First, here is some back story. I've been going to Lifespring since February. There I was treated by both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Before my first appointment, I applied for financial help because at the time I did not have any insurance. I qualified for the top tier, which meant I would only have to pay 20% of the appointment cost. It is important to note that when I was filling out that paperwork, I told the lady that I had applied for the Healthy Indiana Plan (a type of insurance). She didn't say anything in regards to me having the insurance. I knew they didn't accept it, so I still needed the assistance.

Fast forward seven months.

At my last psychiatrist appointment, before I was called back, the administrator called me up to the window. She informed me that because I had Anthem Healthy Indiana Plan insurance, that I would be required to pay full price for visits, which is $125. I was told that their policy is that no one can be subsidized if they have insurance, even if Lifespring doesn't accept the insurance. She further added that they "had turned a blind eye" to me, but they could no longer ignore the fact that I have insurance.

So basically, if I wanted to continue being seen there, I would have to pay $125 a visit. This made me very upset. When I went back to see my doctor I was crying and pissed off and practically on the verge of having a break down. He seemed rather angry about the whole thing himself. He was very concerned for my well-being, asking me several times if I was okay to leave and what not. Unfortunately, it is not a private practice. He doesn't make the rules. So he couldn't do anything to help me.

Fast forward a few days. I managed to get through it without falling into a pit of depression, which is good. I went to anthem's website and found a list of providers that were supposed to accept my insurance. So I started calling them.

95% of the numbers were disconnected, or if someone did answer they didn't recognize the doctors names. The only place that did answer was Park View, which is a place in Jeffersonville. They have several doctors on staff. Only one catch. They DO accept my insurance, but only for CURRENT clients. They are not accepting NEW clients with MY insurance. So if I wanted to be seen there, I would have to pay cash.

Oh, and apparently I had been seen there before and I owed them $41, which would have to be paid before they would schedule me.

Their prices are $195 for the first visit, then $70 for each visit afterward. I cannot afford that any more than I can afford the Lifespring fees. Luckily, my mother has said she would pay for the visits because she knows I need them. So I have an appointment for Dr. Saeed on the 29th of October.

I'm a little nervous about my first visit, which I'm sure will only get worse the day I actually go in. I'm sure by then my nerves will be shot and I'll be a wreck. Anyway, there are a few things I definitely need to bring up during the first visit.

Number one: I need to get new scripts for all my medication.

Number two: I want off cymbalta completely. I'd rather go back to Lexapro because I know my insurance covers it. They only covered cymbalta after three weeks of deliberation and if the dosage is changed or anything we'll have to go through it all over again. It's just too much hastle.

Number three: Ambien. I'm currently on 5mg of Ambien for sleep problems. Unfortunately, it does absolutely dick for me. I've taken it a handful of times now and usually just end up staring at the wall like I normally do. I took it last night and played an hour-long game on NBA 2k10 without ever feeling even slightly impaired or tired.

Number four: ADHD. Before I the whole mess with my previous pdoc, we had talked about me possibly having attention problems. Here are some of the Adult symptoms of the Impulsive type of ADHD. The italicized symptoms are ones I experience normally.

Chooses highly active, stimulating jobs

Avoids situations with low physical activity or sedentary work

May choose to work long hours or two jobs

Seeks constant activity

Easily bored

Impatient

Intolerant to frustration, easily irritated

Impulsive, snap decisions and irresponsible behaviors

Loses temper easily, angers quickly

Obviously this doesn't mean I have ADHD. Some of those could be due to my anxiety as well as hypomania, both of which I suffer from. But I do have issues with sitting down and doing one thing. I try to watch a television show and five minutes later I have to run into the other room to get on the computer. Not because I'm expecting anything or because I want to look up something, but simply because I need to do something else.

There's a drug called Adderall which is supposed to help a lot with attention problems. I want to talk to the new doctor about this. But I'm worried that because I am a new patient he will not be willing to jump on board with it. I'm pretty sure that my former pdoc would have listened to me and considered what I am saying, but I know doctors are always hesitant to prescribe controlled substances to new patients.

All in all, I know I still have a lot of problems. Xanax doesn't seem to help much anymore, even at 1mg at a time. I've thought about taking more but I don't want to get into that habit. Good news is that I haven't had a bout of depression/hypomania since the last one where I hurt myself which is good.

Okay. That's enough for tonight.

Hospital

I'm sad and lonely but I have a hard time admitting this to anyone, not even to myself. I feel overwhelmed by every little thing. Last night I did something stupid and carved my arm up because I thought it would make me feel better. In one sense it did. It let out all the shit I have inside of me. But afterwards I felt ashamed and mad at myself for doing it.

Tiffany took me to the hospital. I never really like going but I understand that sometimes I need to go so I didn't fight it. I know when I feel bad. I'm aware of it even if I can't do anything about it.

So we went and I nearly had a panic attack in the library because my social anxiety was in overdrive due to all the people in the waiting room, on top of the fact that my arm was a bleeding mess. Luckily I didn't have to sit out there more than ten minutes before they ushered me back to the loony ward. I have to say though, it was a lot better than when I went to U of L. First of all, they allowed Tiffany to come back and sit in the little room with me. Second of all, there weren't drunk criminals all over the place like at U of L.

We were there about three and a half hours before they decided not to admit me. I'm glad they didn't. I really didn't feel like being there all alone by myself. It would have been even worse than how I was already feeling. Besides, I had already hurt myself. I already felt so terrible about doing it that I knew I wouldn't do it again any time soon.

Today I'm still feeling down, though not as bad as I was last night. So I called into work. I sorta lied and said I was still in the hospital as I felt like that would make explaining it a lot easier. But now I feel bad for lying. Oh well. I guess I'm lucky to have a job that understands what I have to deal with.

I'm Sorry

Metallica Concert

So I had my mini-vacation this week. Tuesday we went to Cincinnati to see Metallica. Somehow I've managed to never see one of my favorite bands in concert even though I've had several opportunities. I finally was able to cross them off my list.

It wasn't without its trials, however. Sitting through the first two bands I wasn't feeling that well. I got a really bad tension headache because I was stressing out about all the people. I did that stupid thing I do where I think everyone is staring at me, wondering why I'm not enjoying things as much as them, judging me and looking down at me.

All in all, any discomfort I experienced was worth it. Metallica was amazing. I really can't put the experience into words. They are as damn near perfect live as I've ever seen.

Also, in the news, Tiffany's friend (and mine) Brandi came up to visit to go with us to Cincy and to have a little mini-vacation of her own. Seeing her and Tiff together made me kind of sad that she lives so far away. She really is the only real, true friend Tiffany has that she doesn't know through me. Some of her friends are okay, some of them I actually like, but none of them are ever really there for her. I wish Brandi lived closer if only so that Tiff could have her best friend all year long.

Metallica

Tonight is the night we've been looking forward to since February. Tonight we will travel to Cincinnati to see Metallica. It seems so long ago that we bought the tickets that it is hard to believe that it's finally here. Oddly enough, I'm not really that excited (though I'm sure that will change after Lamb of God finishes their set).

I'm a little worried about all the people that will be there, but things like this usually don't bother me. But if that changes I'll just take a xanax or two. Maybe I'll post a couple pictures.

Cymbalta

I use to be on lexapro. But at my second-to-last pdoc appointment he decided to switch me over to Cymbalta. At the time he just gave me a bunch of samples until my next appointment. When I went to see him then, he gave me a prescription for it.

When I went to fill it, it came back as a prior authorization, which basically means for whatever reason the insurance company doesn't want to cover it under normal circumstances. In this case, Cymbalta isn't a "preferred drug." They would much rather me take something else (something a little less expensive).

Now, I have to say first and foremost, the place I see my psychiatrist and psychologist at is very poorly organized and they are constantly running days behind schedule on everything. So it took five days to even hear back from the nurse in regards to the prior authorization. At that point she said she called my insurance and got it approved.

My pharmacist once again attempted to run the script through, and once again it was denied.

The major problem here is that I've already started taking the medication, and it is not something I can simply stop taking without going into withdrawal.

So today I called the nurse back to basically beg for some more samples to hold me over until this gets sorted out. And of course, she doesn't answer her phone. I leave a message, and of course she doesn't ever call me back. I'm really starting to get sick and tired of the way things work at their office. I really like my psychiatrist (my psychologist is okay, though I do prefer the one I had originally). He's done a lot to help me. But at some point they better get their act together or I'll be forced to go somewhere else.