Lamictal

A lot has happened. Let's catch up.

I quit my job.

I was unemployed for about a month or so. During which time I went through a bout of depression followed by hypomania.

I was taken off Depakote because it made me gain about forty pounds.

I was taken off Lexapro and moved to Cymbalta.

My abilify dose was halved due to possible reactions with Cymbalta.

I found a new job at a pharmacy that I worked before. It's very boring and I find myself wanting to scratch my eye balls out sometimes but at the end of the day it's very easy. I suffered a panic attack my second day there as I felt very overwhelmed by the people coming in and the constant ringing of the phone but I got through it. I'm only working twenty four hours a week, which is hard on the wallet but I'm getting by. I'm really hoping social security comes through in October/November, but I'm sure I'll be denied on my first run.

At my recent psychiatrist appointment, my doctor put bipolar back on the table as my diagnosis. I never really considered it off the table, but as we discussed, the reason it was taken off the table was because I seem to have an issue with telling the whole truth at my appointments. Apparently my control issues keep me from divulging everything out of fear that I am giving up control over myself, he thought, which makes a lot of sense.

With bipolar back on the table came a new drug: Lamictal. Before we decided on this, he offered me a whole range of medications. He told me about their side-effects and how some of them would require frequent blood tests, such as the case with Lithium. Lamictal sounded the most promising for several reasons.

1: It doesn't require any blood tests.

2: It is most effective in treatment of bipolar depression, which is a much larger problem for me than mania.

3: It doesn't include weight gain as possible side effects, and generally its side effects are less than that of the other drugs.

However, he did warn me about a possible side effect that causes the layers of skin to separate and develop into a rash of lesions. It is very, very rare. However, my brain is retarded. And no matter how rare it is, I am now freaking out about the whole thing, which is causing me to hold off on taking the first dose. I have no reason to suspect that I will suffer from this reaction, but I'm worried about it nonetheless. Worry, worry, worry. That's all I do, it seems.

I wish I knew some other people who are on this medication to talk about it with.

I feel like shit

So I'm physically ill, which makes things even harder to deal with on the mental side of things. So let's just get this little story started. First, I had an appointment with a MD today. It wasn't my normal doctor because he is on vacation, so I had to see the other guy. He was fine enough, gave me some antibiotics and some better cough medicine, or so I thought. I get to the drug store and apparently the cough syrup he prescribed was just OTC tussin DM. Thanks. I totally could have bought that on my own.

When I started to think about it, I decided that I think the reason why he did that was he because he wasn't comfortable giving me a narcotic cough reliever. After all, I'm crazy, right? He sees Depakote and Abilify and all that other stuff and assumes I might be just seeking codeine or something to self medicate. That's really the only thing I can think of. Why else would he waste my time with giving me robatussin? The fucked up thing is I've never been a "self medicator" in that sense. Yes, I've bought and used OTC products before when I probably didn't need to. There were times in my life that I practically lived off of OTC cough syrup because I was convinced I couldn't breath without it. But I've never done that with prescription drugs.

Oh well.

He told me to call back in Monday if I'm not feeling better as my doctor might change that he gave me, which is what made me think this doctor was holding back on me.

Psychiatrist Appt Today

So had a weird day at the psychiatrist. I was getting aggrivated because he kept pushing for me to explain why I thought throwing a can of soup on the windshield of our car was so funny. I don't know why it was so funny. I wasn't thinking clearly. I know he wanted to see if there was something else there but so be it.

Further more, he apparently isn't convinced that I actually have bipolar disoarder. He obviously believes I have mood issues and a whole range of other problems, but isn't dead set on lumping me in the bipolar category yet. I'm sort of annoyed by this. While I wasn't happy to hear the original idea that I might be or am bipolar, at least I could get some satisfaction of knowing what I was and what to look out for. Now I am back in a grey area, something I've been in for years and years now.

He added Abilify to my list of medications. That should be fun.

I'm tired

I haven't taken my medication today and I don't fucking want to. I want to shove those fucking pills down someone elses throat. I'm just so fucking tired of this game. I will never be anything but a broken toy, not fit for society's expextations.
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