Bad Night

I had a bad night last night. I felt like I was going up and down and up and down over and over again. It wouldn't stop. One moment I would be in tears the next moment I was a ball of anger and frustration. Not over anything in particular, but over everything that I could think of. It started while I was at work yesterday. I kept it to myself pretty much so no one else would notice that anything was wrong, but it got to the point that I bought a razor blade. I planned on cutting myself that night after everyone had gone to bed.

I got so worked up that I threw my dinner away that I had just cooked and shoved my girlfriend out of the way and ran into the room. I sat alone for twenty minutes or so just steaming over everything, getting more and more worked up. Then she came in and tried to talk to me. I don't remember all of the conversation but I remember going from one extreme to the other, being a crying mess and then angry and hateful.

At one point I got the razor out of my bag when she wasn't paying attention. I thought about just jabbing it into my arm. I didn't want to kill myself. I just needed to let it all out. To let all the anger out because it was killing me to hold it in.

She came over and sat down beside me and I hid the blade. Several minutes passed and then I forced myself to give her the razor. I knew it was wrong what I wanted to do, and for a brief moment reason won out. We talked for a little bit. I tried to take the razor back from her but she got away and got rid of it. I'm ashamed of myself for how I acted. It was like I lost control of myself for short little bursts.

I got really upset afterward and suggested maybe I should go to the hospital. But then I got really angry with her because she wasn't sure whether or not I should go. It took a lot for me to even suggest going and then when she acted like I might not need to go I took it personally and I became irate with her. She thought I was just playing some game with her, like I wanted to go the hospital but I wouldn't just say it. But I didn't want to go to the hospital. I hate the hospital I hate going there. I hate how it makes me feel. But I also recognized that I was out of control and I probably needed to go.

We ended up not going and instead just tried to go to sleep. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned for hours upon hours. I still feel like a ball of energy and it's really fucking annoying. All in all, I probably got 2 to 3 hours of sleep.

I didn't go to work today. I had her call my boss and tell them why I couldn't come in. I'm not in any shape to go to work.

I hate how I feel

Last few weeks, in particular, have been hard. I've had this constant problem with being depressed, but at the same time I can't sit still. And if I do sit still, I feel like my muscles are dying or something. Physically I'm tired, but mentally my mind is going a mile a minute.

I just want it to stop.

On the advice of my mother, I am toiling over the idea of meeting with a disability attorney, and possibily looking into getting government assistance. I'm tired of financially being a burden on everyone. I'm tired of not having any options. And the more I think about it, the more disability seems to be my only option to have any sort of enjoyable life.

Right now, there is very little enjoyment in mine.

I've been thinking a lot lately about hurting myself. Cutting. Not anything permanent, mind you. Suicide isn't an option, and I doubt it ever will be. But I understand why someone would go that far a lot more these days than I would have a few years ago. There comes a point where everything just becomes too much to handle.

Every night I dread going to sleep because it has become more and more difficult for me to be comfortable in attempting to just lay still and go to sleep.