Adderal Power!

Couple updates.

On the 27th I had the first appointment with my new psychiatrist. Not 100% sure about him yet. First of all, he is foreign. He has a thick accent and at times I had trouble understanding him. I don't really care where he's from so long as he knows what he's talking about. But at the same time I wish I would have been able to choose who I was going to see.

We went over everything, which was hard because I basically had to explain eight months of hard work I had done with my previous pdoc in thirty minutes. Something that annoyed me was that he seemed to question a lot of things. Like whether or not I was bipolar, etc etc. He was worried that my manic episodes were drug-induced from antidepressants. But I tried to explain to him that I wasn't always on medication and when I wasn't I still had the same problems.

I brought up the ADHD thing like I had planned. I explained that my former pdoc and I had talked about Adderal and other medications and that we just never got around to working on it. He seemed hesitant, which I hate. I know Adderal is like a class II controlled substance and I'd hate to believe that he thought I was just seeking a fix or something. Another shitty part about having to switch doctors is I have lost that trust I had with the previous pdoc. With Dr. Kanovitz I had a certain amount of control over what I was taking. With Dr. Saeed, I don't know if I will have that.

Anyway, moving on.

Today I had an appointment with my primary doctor to look at a weird mole. Turns out it is fine, just large and weird looking. But while I was there I brought up the whole mess and explained the situation. He wrote me a script for Adderal. That's the trust I'm talking about. He knows me. He knows I'm not just seeking drugs. So he wrote it for me.

Of course now I'm worried it's going to turn me into a spaz!

Long October

Well, it's been about three weeks since I have written anything. I've been meaning to, as quite a bit has happened, but I just haven't really had the desire to sit down and actually do something about it. But here we are, so here it goes.

First, here is some back story. I've been going to Lifespring since February. There I was treated by both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Before my first appointment, I applied for financial help because at the time I did not have any insurance. I qualified for the top tier, which meant I would only have to pay 20% of the appointment cost. It is important to note that when I was filling out that paperwork, I told the lady that I had applied for the Healthy Indiana Plan (a type of insurance). She didn't say anything in regards to me having the insurance. I knew they didn't accept it, so I still needed the assistance.

Fast forward seven months.

At my last psychiatrist appointment, before I was called back, the administrator called me up to the window. She informed me that because I had Anthem Healthy Indiana Plan insurance, that I would be required to pay full price for visits, which is $125. I was told that their policy is that no one can be subsidized if they have insurance, even if Lifespring doesn't accept the insurance. She further added that they "had turned a blind eye" to me, but they could no longer ignore the fact that I have insurance.

So basically, if I wanted to continue being seen there, I would have to pay $125 a visit. This made me very upset. When I went back to see my doctor I was crying and pissed off and practically on the verge of having a break down. He seemed rather angry about the whole thing himself. He was very concerned for my well-being, asking me several times if I was okay to leave and what not. Unfortunately, it is not a private practice. He doesn't make the rules. So he couldn't do anything to help me.

Fast forward a few days. I managed to get through it without falling into a pit of depression, which is good. I went to anthem's website and found a list of providers that were supposed to accept my insurance. So I started calling them.

95% of the numbers were disconnected, or if someone did answer they didn't recognize the doctors names. The only place that did answer was Park View, which is a place in Jeffersonville. They have several doctors on staff. Only one catch. They DO accept my insurance, but only for CURRENT clients. They are not accepting NEW clients with MY insurance. So if I wanted to be seen there, I would have to pay cash.

Oh, and apparently I had been seen there before and I owed them $41, which would have to be paid before they would schedule me.

Their prices are $195 for the first visit, then $70 for each visit afterward. I cannot afford that any more than I can afford the Lifespring fees. Luckily, my mother has said she would pay for the visits because she knows I need them. So I have an appointment for Dr. Saeed on the 29th of October.

I'm a little nervous about my first visit, which I'm sure will only get worse the day I actually go in. I'm sure by then my nerves will be shot and I'll be a wreck. Anyway, there are a few things I definitely need to bring up during the first visit.

Number one: I need to get new scripts for all my medication.

Number two: I want off cymbalta completely. I'd rather go back to Lexapro because I know my insurance covers it. They only covered cymbalta after three weeks of deliberation and if the dosage is changed or anything we'll have to go through it all over again. It's just too much hastle.

Number three: Ambien. I'm currently on 5mg of Ambien for sleep problems. Unfortunately, it does absolutely dick for me. I've taken it a handful of times now and usually just end up staring at the wall like I normally do. I took it last night and played an hour-long game on NBA 2k10 without ever feeling even slightly impaired or tired.

Number four: ADHD. Before I the whole mess with my previous pdoc, we had talked about me possibly having attention problems. Here are some of the Adult symptoms of the Impulsive type of ADHD. The italicized symptoms are ones I experience normally.

Chooses highly active, stimulating jobs

Avoids situations with low physical activity or sedentary work

May choose to work long hours or two jobs

Seeks constant activity

Easily bored

Impatient

Intolerant to frustration, easily irritated

Impulsive, snap decisions and irresponsible behaviors

Loses temper easily, angers quickly

Obviously this doesn't mean I have ADHD. Some of those could be due to my anxiety as well as hypomania, both of which I suffer from. But I do have issues with sitting down and doing one thing. I try to watch a television show and five minutes later I have to run into the other room to get on the computer. Not because I'm expecting anything or because I want to look up something, but simply because I need to do something else.

There's a drug called Adderall which is supposed to help a lot with attention problems. I want to talk to the new doctor about this. But I'm worried that because I am a new patient he will not be willing to jump on board with it. I'm pretty sure that my former pdoc would have listened to me and considered what I am saying, but I know doctors are always hesitant to prescribe controlled substances to new patients.

All in all, I know I still have a lot of problems. Xanax doesn't seem to help much anymore, even at 1mg at a time. I've thought about taking more but I don't want to get into that habit. Good news is that I haven't had a bout of depression/hypomania since the last one where I hurt myself which is good.

Okay. That's enough for tonight.

Cymbalta

I use to be on lexapro. But at my second-to-last pdoc appointment he decided to switch me over to Cymbalta. At the time he just gave me a bunch of samples until my next appointment. When I went to see him then, he gave me a prescription for it.

When I went to fill it, it came back as a prior authorization, which basically means for whatever reason the insurance company doesn't want to cover it under normal circumstances. In this case, Cymbalta isn't a "preferred drug." They would much rather me take something else (something a little less expensive).

Now, I have to say first and foremost, the place I see my psychiatrist and psychologist at is very poorly organized and they are constantly running days behind schedule on everything. So it took five days to even hear back from the nurse in regards to the prior authorization. At that point she said she called my insurance and got it approved.

My pharmacist once again attempted to run the script through, and once again it was denied.

The major problem here is that I've already started taking the medication, and it is not something I can simply stop taking without going into withdrawal.

So today I called the nurse back to basically beg for some more samples to hold me over until this gets sorted out. And of course, she doesn't answer her phone. I leave a message, and of course she doesn't ever call me back. I'm really starting to get sick and tired of the way things work at their office. I really like my psychiatrist (my psychologist is okay, though I do prefer the one I had originally). He's done a lot to help me. But at some point they better get their act together or I'll be forced to go somewhere else.

Alone

I have noticed lately a lot of feelings of being alone. I realize that I'm not. I have people who care for me, including a wonderful fiance, but I still find myself at times drifting into this horrible thought that I am alone, by myself, with no one around me who can understand even a little bit what I am going through. The problem with feeling alone is that it can quickly turn into feeling lonely, which is a whole different beast.

I'm still going through a lot of hard times mentally. I get through them a little easier now with the drugs I'm on, but that doesn't mean I still don't struggle. Lately I've noticed this problem with being unable at times to distinguish dreams from reality. Like, I'll dream about some scenario at work, and the next day I'll find myself having to try and decide whether or not it really happened or not. It's usually not a big deal, but it seems to bother me more when I feel like my mood is a little out of wack.

I've been reading about derealization lately and find that it sounds very familiar. There are times when I'm just walking around at home, at work, at the grocery or wherever - familair places that seem odd to me, like somehow they are off. I remember when I lived in New York, I would go out at night or something by myself to go to the 711 or something and I would get this extrasensory feeling that I was walking through some dream world. I still get that feeling sometimes.

Not to mention the fact that I still, even with all the drugs I am on, am dealing with a lot of deja vu moments and situations where I think I see things that aren't there. It's never anything major, like hallucinating a person that isn't real, but just little glimpses, like I'm looking into another world or something, if only for just a split second.

Anyway, I got off subject. Back to feeling alone. I feel detached from everyone lately. I do my best to be warm and caring to my girlfriend, and I mean every bit of it, but sometimes I just find myself staring at her not knowing how to act or what to say or what to do. I worry about that, a lot actually. I worry that I'm not going to be able to be what she needs. I need to tell her this. I'm sure she'll think just that when she reads this. But I have a hard time explaining all of this verbally. It is so much easier to just sit and right it down as it comes to me. Plus, it seems like everything is magnified when I'm alone. So I can better explain how I feel.

I think it's time for sleep. I need to call in and get another appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Last time they gave me some hubub about maybe having to pay the full amount for appointments even though I qualified for their financial assistance. Apparently, because I went and got state assistance, they don't think they can offer me the 80% coverage, even though they don't accept my state-issued insurance. Well, I don't really understand it. At this point I guess I'll just see what happens. If I have to switch to new doctors somewhere else, I'll be very upset. I like my psychiatrist. He's very nice and smart and has done very good by me so far.

I still think about hurting myself. But I have kept myself from doing it with the excuse that I don't have anything acceptable, which is true, but also not. I could go out and by an exacto knife, for instance, but that would raise some suspicions at 1 in the morning. I'll just get by. Tomorrow is going to be awful but I just need to get through the day and then the rest of the week will be a lot easier.

Psychiatrist Appt Today

So had a weird day at the psychiatrist. I was getting aggrivated because he kept pushing for me to explain why I thought throwing a can of soup on the windshield of our car was so funny. I don't know why it was so funny. I wasn't thinking clearly. I know he wanted to see if there was something else there but so be it.

Further more, he apparently isn't convinced that I actually have bipolar disoarder. He obviously believes I have mood issues and a whole range of other problems, but isn't dead set on lumping me in the bipolar category yet. I'm sort of annoyed by this. While I wasn't happy to hear the original idea that I might be or am bipolar, at least I could get some satisfaction of knowing what I was and what to look out for. Now I am back in a grey area, something I've been in for years and years now.

He added Abilify to my list of medications. That should be fun.