Hospital

I'm sad and lonely but I have a hard time admitting this to anyone, not even to myself. I feel overwhelmed by every little thing. Last night I did something stupid and carved my arm up because I thought it would make me feel better. In one sense it did. It let out all the shit I have inside of me. But afterwards I felt ashamed and mad at myself for doing it.

Tiffany took me to the hospital. I never really like going but I understand that sometimes I need to go so I didn't fight it. I know when I feel bad. I'm aware of it even if I can't do anything about it.

So we went and I nearly had a panic attack in the library because my social anxiety was in overdrive due to all the people in the waiting room, on top of the fact that my arm was a bleeding mess. Luckily I didn't have to sit out there more than ten minutes before they ushered me back to the loony ward. I have to say though, it was a lot better than when I went to U of L. First of all, they allowed Tiffany to come back and sit in the little room with me. Second of all, there weren't drunk criminals all over the place like at U of L.

We were there about three and a half hours before they decided not to admit me. I'm glad they didn't. I really didn't feel like being there all alone by myself. It would have been even worse than how I was already feeling. Besides, I had already hurt myself. I already felt so terrible about doing it that I knew I wouldn't do it again any time soon.

Today I'm still feeling down, though not as bad as I was last night. So I called into work. I sorta lied and said I was still in the hospital as I felt like that would make explaining it a lot easier. But now I feel bad for lying. Oh well. I guess I'm lucky to have a job that understands what I have to deal with.

I'm Sorry

Bad Night

I had a bad night last night. I felt like I was going up and down and up and down over and over again. It wouldn't stop. One moment I would be in tears the next moment I was a ball of anger and frustration. Not over anything in particular, but over everything that I could think of. It started while I was at work yesterday. I kept it to myself pretty much so no one else would notice that anything was wrong, but it got to the point that I bought a razor blade. I planned on cutting myself that night after everyone had gone to bed.

I got so worked up that I threw my dinner away that I had just cooked and shoved my girlfriend out of the way and ran into the room. I sat alone for twenty minutes or so just steaming over everything, getting more and more worked up. Then she came in and tried to talk to me. I don't remember all of the conversation but I remember going from one extreme to the other, being a crying mess and then angry and hateful.

At one point I got the razor out of my bag when she wasn't paying attention. I thought about just jabbing it into my arm. I didn't want to kill myself. I just needed to let it all out. To let all the anger out because it was killing me to hold it in.

She came over and sat down beside me and I hid the blade. Several minutes passed and then I forced myself to give her the razor. I knew it was wrong what I wanted to do, and for a brief moment reason won out. We talked for a little bit. I tried to take the razor back from her but she got away and got rid of it. I'm ashamed of myself for how I acted. It was like I lost control of myself for short little bursts.

I got really upset afterward and suggested maybe I should go to the hospital. But then I got really angry with her because she wasn't sure whether or not I should go. It took a lot for me to even suggest going and then when she acted like I might not need to go I took it personally and I became irate with her. She thought I was just playing some game with her, like I wanted to go the hospital but I wouldn't just say it. But I didn't want to go to the hospital. I hate the hospital I hate going there. I hate how it makes me feel. But I also recognized that I was out of control and I probably needed to go.

We ended up not going and instead just tried to go to sleep. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned for hours upon hours. I still feel like a ball of energy and it's really fucking annoying. All in all, I probably got 2 to 3 hours of sleep.

I didn't go to work today. I had her call my boss and tell them why I couldn't come in. I'm not in any shape to go to work.

Alone

I have noticed lately a lot of feelings of being alone. I realize that I'm not. I have people who care for me, including a wonderful fiance, but I still find myself at times drifting into this horrible thought that I am alone, by myself, with no one around me who can understand even a little bit what I am going through. The problem with feeling alone is that it can quickly turn into feeling lonely, which is a whole different beast.

I'm still going through a lot of hard times mentally. I get through them a little easier now with the drugs I'm on, but that doesn't mean I still don't struggle. Lately I've noticed this problem with being unable at times to distinguish dreams from reality. Like, I'll dream about some scenario at work, and the next day I'll find myself having to try and decide whether or not it really happened or not. It's usually not a big deal, but it seems to bother me more when I feel like my mood is a little out of wack.

I've been reading about derealization lately and find that it sounds very familiar. There are times when I'm just walking around at home, at work, at the grocery or wherever - familair places that seem odd to me, like somehow they are off. I remember when I lived in New York, I would go out at night or something by myself to go to the 711 or something and I would get this extrasensory feeling that I was walking through some dream world. I still get that feeling sometimes.

Not to mention the fact that I still, even with all the drugs I am on, am dealing with a lot of deja vu moments and situations where I think I see things that aren't there. It's never anything major, like hallucinating a person that isn't real, but just little glimpses, like I'm looking into another world or something, if only for just a split second.

Anyway, I got off subject. Back to feeling alone. I feel detached from everyone lately. I do my best to be warm and caring to my girlfriend, and I mean every bit of it, but sometimes I just find myself staring at her not knowing how to act or what to say or what to do. I worry about that, a lot actually. I worry that I'm not going to be able to be what she needs. I need to tell her this. I'm sure she'll think just that when she reads this. But I have a hard time explaining all of this verbally. It is so much easier to just sit and right it down as it comes to me. Plus, it seems like everything is magnified when I'm alone. So I can better explain how I feel.

I think it's time for sleep. I need to call in and get another appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Last time they gave me some hubub about maybe having to pay the full amount for appointments even though I qualified for their financial assistance. Apparently, because I went and got state assistance, they don't think they can offer me the 80% coverage, even though they don't accept my state-issued insurance. Well, I don't really understand it. At this point I guess I'll just see what happens. If I have to switch to new doctors somewhere else, I'll be very upset. I like my psychiatrist. He's very nice and smart and has done very good by me so far.

I still think about hurting myself. But I have kept myself from doing it with the excuse that I don't have anything acceptable, which is true, but also not. I could go out and by an exacto knife, for instance, but that would raise some suspicions at 1 in the morning. I'll just get by. Tomorrow is going to be awful but I just need to get through the day and then the rest of the week will be a lot easier.

I hate how I feel

Last few weeks, in particular, have been hard. I've had this constant problem with being depressed, but at the same time I can't sit still. And if I do sit still, I feel like my muscles are dying or something. Physically I'm tired, but mentally my mind is going a mile a minute.

I just want it to stop.

On the advice of my mother, I am toiling over the idea of meeting with a disability attorney, and possibily looking into getting government assistance. I'm tired of financially being a burden on everyone. I'm tired of not having any options. And the more I think about it, the more disability seems to be my only option to have any sort of enjoyable life.

Right now, there is very little enjoyment in mine.

I've been thinking a lot lately about hurting myself. Cutting. Not anything permanent, mind you. Suicide isn't an option, and I doubt it ever will be. But I understand why someone would go that far a lot more these days than I would have a few years ago. There comes a point where everything just becomes too much to handle.

Every night I dread going to sleep because it has become more and more difficult for me to be comfortable in attempting to just lay still and go to sleep.