It's Been A Long Time

Five months since I've updated. That's a long time. Though this happens to me. My interest in activities rises and wanes without fail. This blog was a victim of my complete lack of any sort of attention span.

Quick update, and then to my reasons for posting this.

Since November, I've had two noteworthy mood episodes. One was in December. It was mild. The lamictal has done a good job of keeping my ups and downs relatively in check, and what they do come, they aren't nearly as bad as the once were.

However, that can't be said about the events of this month.

In December, we found out that we were going to have to move in the spring (by April 30th). I had managed up until late March to kind of just ignore the fact. Every time I did think about it, I would get this terrible feeling in my chest, like my whole world was coming apart.

Unfortunately, I could only ignore it for so long.

As the beginning of April neared, I started to really begin to stress out about the whole thing. And stress+anxiety+bipolar=not good. One thing I will say though, when we finally got around to looking for a place, we happened to choose the first one we found. So it wasn't difficult in that regard.

As easy it was for us to find a place, at the end of the day, it was still tearing up my insides. I was worrying about it constantly. But any issues I had (and still have) with moving were trumped by the terrible situation that is my job.

I have, for quite some time, been completely miserable at work. It's not that it's difficult. And I was, at the time, only working 24 hours a week. Not a lot. Just enough to get by. However, I have been convinced for quite some time that the owner has been treating me as a "lesser employee" in comparison to the others.

To explain, I have to give some back story.

I work at a independent pharmacy. It is run basically like it's out of the 1970's. Hell, half the product in the store has been there since the early 80's. There are two counters in the store. The main counter (also called the back counter) is where the pharmacy is. 99.99% of all business funnels through this counter. The other counter is the front counter, which is right next to the door. If you work up front, you are lucky to wait on one person a day. Most people are there for medication, not sundries. So if you work the front counter, you spend a vast majority of your time standing at the register, staring at nothing. It is easy, but for someone like me who has severe attention problems and anxiety issues, it can become quite overwhelming to just stand in one spot for six hours a day.

Also, it's important to note that due to the location of the front counter, and the lack of any real purpose or responsibility, it has historically been known to be the place where the owner puts the workers she doesn't care for.

So allow me to give you a detailed account of my average day.

I come into work at 1pm. I am told to go into the back office and shred. Now, as a pharmacy, we generate a lot of documents that have personal information on them. So there are a lot of papers that, by law, we are required to destroy. However, more often than not, what I am sent back to shred is actually newspaper. The owner brings in bags upon bags of newspaper for me to shred on a daily basis, to the point where at times there are literally a dozen or more black trash bags full of shredded newspaper in the office at any given time.

Why? Because for some inane reason we have three very large compost bins behind the store. None of which ever gets used, but the owner insists that they are maintained nonetheless. The newspaper is used to put on top of the compost.

This part of the job I have no problem with. Though I think it's stupid, and irresponsible, that she puts more emphasis on shredding newspaper than the printouts that have customer information on them.

Anyway, shredding usually gets me through till about 2:30. Then things go bad. The girl who works up front during the day leaves at 3:00. And every day, without fail, I hear my name and am told to go up front to relieve her.

Every single day, without fail. I am fucking shoved up front to sit and stare at the ceiling.

There are two other employees who she could have go up there. Never have I ever heard her tell one of them to go up front. The only times I ever see one of them up front, by her request, is when shredding pushed me over 3:00pm and she has no choice but to put someone else up there.

So every day I am shoved up there and forgotten about. The other two employees, knowing that it's complete bullshit, will sometimes offer to switch out with me, which I appreciate. So it's not every day that I am forced to work an entire shift up there. But the fact is, when she has to put someone up front, a job everyone in the store knows is bottom rung, she thinks of me.

I know some people would think that this is not a big deal. I shouldn't get so worked up about it. But I have deep seeded issues with being treated as equal to my fellow worker. In this case, I believe whole heartedly that I am viewed as the shit worker.

I wouldn't have an issue with this, if I had done something to warrant this stigma. But I haven't. I am a good worker. I am a stubborn perfectionist. I am never satisfied with anything. So when I have a task to complete, I make sure it gets done right. I have never lost money. I have never fucked up someone's medication. I have never done anything to deserve the treatment I receive.

Let's continue.

So as I have pointed out, for quite a while I've been dealing with some personal issues with how I'm treated at work. That, along with the whole moving thing and some other issues ended up pushing me into a depressed state at the start of the month, which lasted about a week. It wasn't terrible and I didn't miss any work. I just pushed through it and kept it to myself.

Monday, April 5th, I went into work. I was feeling a lot better, in fact in hind-sight I would say I was feeling abnormally good. But I digress. I stopped before going into work to pick up some food some a seasonal food stand that had just re-opened. I got to work on time and headed to the pharmacy to put my stuff down.

As soon as she sees me, she informs me that Thyda (her daughter-in-law and the girl who normally works up front during the day) was busy boxing up old greeting cards, and that she needed me to watch up front.

Normally I would have been annoyed by this. Fact is, when she was boxing up those cards, she was no more than ten feet away from the front counter. There was no reason for me to go up front. But, as I said, I was in a really good mood, so I didn't care. I was only going to be up there until Thyda finished, and then I would be off to shred.

So I go up front.

Let me paint the picture. The front counter is about fifteen feet long. On one end is the register and the check out area. Then moving left is a display counter with a watches and eye glasses on carousels on top. At the other end is a computer, keyboard, mouse, monitor and a scale for UPS package shipping.

As I go up front, I set my bag of food on the edge of the counter next to the keyboard and I put my drink behind me on the shelf. See, I realize putting drinks right next to a computer tower isn't a good idea.

So at this point, I haven't even taken my food out of the bag when Thyda rolls up with her boxes.

Thyda: "I need you to go over there and finish boxing up those cards for me."

Mike: "Well, Lynn (the owner) told me to only come up here long enough for you to come back, and then I would be doing something else."

Thyda: "Well I'm up here now."

When she said that, she had a nasty tone in her voice, like she was annoyed that I didn't just go and do her work for her, which is exactly what she wanted me to do.

So I was about to reach for my bag and head on back to the pharmacy, since she was going to be at the front counter, when she pointed at my food (still in the bag) on the edge of the counter.

Thyda: "I don't want that there."

I was taken off guard, by both the sentence and her demeanor.

Mike: "Don't want what where?"

Thyda: "Your food. I don't want food near the electronics."

Now, this is where I want to point something out.

Thyda is not my boss. She doesn't even get paid. She's the daughter-in-law of the owner, and comes in a few days a week to help out.

Also I want to point out, she wanted me to move my food down to the other end of the counter, next to the register, which is also an electronic machine. Now, in case you're wondering well maybe she doesn't want you to eat up front at all allow me to say that EVERY day that girl eats up front. She just does it down by the register.

Anyway, I digress.

I grab my bag and move down the counter, to the register, completely forgetting at this point that I was actually supposed to leave the front anyway to go shred. I was very taken aback by the whole encounter.

It's important to note that everything I said to here from this point on was beyond civil. I was annoyed at this point, but still in a very good mood and merely wanted to express my opinion on the matter. She, on the other hand, was getting very nasty with how she spoke to me.

Mike: "Well, that's fine, Thyda, but if I move it down there then it will be in the way."

Thyda: "I don't care. When I am here, you do not eat by the electronics."

Mike: "That's fine, Thyda, but you are not my boss and I don't appreciate the way you're speaking to me."

Thyda: "Do you want me to go tell Lynn to tell you not to eat by the electronics?"

Mike: "I know if you go back there and say something to her that she will tell me that."

At this point she storms off, completely ignoring what I had just said. As she was walking away I said "There is no reason for this, Thyda, we were just talking."

She goes to the pharmacy and I hear her talking to Lynn. Sure enough, five seconds later I hear the owner chime in.

Lynn: "Don't eat near the electronics."

Two things. One, it's really stupid that they keep referring to the computer as electronics. Two, this is the point where I started to become angry. First of all, I told that bitch Thyda that there was no reason to involve her mother-in-law. Second of all, for her to tell me she doesn't want people to eat near a computer is a flat out lie.

Vaughn, her brother, who also works there, eats standing over a computer EVERY SINGLE DAY. And more often than not what he eats is something with liquid in it, like cereal, or some sort of asian soup dish. What I had to eat was a fish sandwhich. Which do you think is going to hurt a computer. Also, Patty, the witch who works in the back office, takes a plate of food back to her desk every day and eats in front of her computer.

See, there's a kitchen in the back of the store. They make food every day. And every day, Vaughn, Patty, Thyda and Lynn eat near or over a computer or, in Thyda's case, a register.

So once again, I feel like I am being singled out.

But it gets worse.

Mike: "But I see people eating over computers every day."

Instead of having a discussion with me about it, she slams the door.

Lynn: "I've said all I want to say about it and I don't want to hear anymore."

At this point, I am livid. She has trounced on my feelings and made me look like a fool.

I grab my bag of food and milkshake and throw them rather violently into the trash can. The milkshake went every where.

Shaking, I grab paper towels and try to mop it up. As soon as I am done, I am seething and I go quickly to the back. There are no customers in the store, so I speak rather frankly. I will admit that I am on the verge of losing it.

Mike: "I want you to know that I threw my food away and I won't eat here ever again.

Lynn: "Mike you are getting upset over nothing."

If she really meant that, she would have stopped what she was doing for two seconds and actually spoke to me. But in truth, she just kept counting pills, trying to ignore the situation. I wouldn't let it go, though.

Mike: "No, I should be upset. Vaughn stands at this computer EVERY SINGLE DAY eating food. Patty does the same thing in the office. And I'm not supposed to eat here? Why am I different?"

Again, if she really wanted to resolve the issue, she would have stopped what she was doing and spoken to me like an adult. I was obviously very upset at this point. I was spiraling out of control. But I believe had she treated me like a human, and not a piece of shit, that it could have been avoided.

At this point she ignored me. I stood there for a minute or two, trying to hold myself together. When I realized that wasn't going to happen, I rushed out of the pharmacy and went to the bathroom.

Once there, I became a mess. I was crying, but I was also a ball of rage. And when I say rage, I mean I could have literally hurt, or even killed someone. I punched the concrete wall several times. I started to break the mirror and cut myself, but I was able to hold on enough to keep myself to doing that. I certainly didn't want to stumble out of the bathroom bleeding.

I was in the bathroom for an hour. I didn't pay any attention to it at the time, but in hindsight I find it interesting that no one came to check on me. Everyone there knows I am bi-polar. The owner hired me with that knowledge. They also know that I have been hospitalized several times because of that. And yet no one cared to come and make sure I hadn't slit my wrists open on the bathroom floor.

As I said, an hour later I emerged. At this point, I was still very upset, but I had settled down enough to manage to function. I went up to Lynn and asked her what she wanted me to do.

Lynn: "Did you over heat?"

This stupid fucking cunt is so oblivious to the world around her that she thought I had just went to the back to shred newspaper.

Mike: "I was in the bathroom trying to calm down."

Lynn: "Well, you can go shred then."

I go to the office and I sit down to shred. I start feeding the newspaper into the machine.

Normally I would listen to music or a podcast while doing this. I couldn't. My mind was racing. My hands were shaking. With every newspaper I fed into the shredder I just grew more and more upset.

After twenty minutes, I realized I had to get out of there or something really terrible was going to happen.

I went back out and went to the bathroom once again. I spent another fifteen minutes trying to calm down enough so that I could speak to the owner without blowing up and quitting or doing something even worse.

I went up to her and tried to speak to her. She kept deflecting, either walking off to get something from a shelf, or talking to a customer on the other side of the counter. I eventually snagged her attention.

Mike: "I think I should go home before I do something regrettable."

Instead of showing some bit of concern, she had this to say.

Lynn: "Regrettable to who?"

Mike: "Me, I guess."

She huffed and told me fine. It's not like I was inconvenience her. She had plenty people there that day. Of course, she would have to find someone else to shove up front.

I went back to get my bag and I literally stood there for another ten or so minutes. I didn't want to say or do something on the way out, and I was afraid that I would. I was still somewhat in control of myself.

I made my way out and got in the car. I couldn't start it. I just sat there, crying, upset for several minutes. I got a call on my phone. It was my mom. My cousin, who also works at the pharmacy, had called her and told her I was just sitting in the car upset. I told her what happened. After word, I went home.

When I got home, I sat down at the computer and tried to escape from the world. For the most part, I was able to do that. I centered on playing a video game and was able, for a time, to go from being filled with rage to feeling really good once again.

Then my girlfriend came home. She was concerned, having seen some messages I sent her when I was very upset. She tried to talk to me about it. Unfortunately, I was not in the mindset to speak about it. At this point I was full-blown manic.

She was being very careful with her questions, knowing I wasn't well. But I would have none of it. I lost control, throwing a chair and collapsing to the ground. From that point forward, I have very little memory of what happened.

According to my girlfriend, I climbed in bed and starting talking about wild conspiracies involving her and "them" trying to keep me down, trying to ruin my life, etc. I was delusional and obviously a danger to myself. I will point out though, no matter how far off the deep end I have gone, I have NEVER attempted to hurt Tiffany. No matter how angry I get, it is always directed inward.

Several hours past. At some point she called my mother, who came over and tried to talk to me. I started to calm down eventually, sometime around midnight (some eight hours after I had come home from work). I then walked my mother outside and she left.

I came back in and Tiffany told me I could stay on the computer if I wanted. Normally she won't let me do this, since it is in the bed room and it disturbs her sleep. But I guess she realized that I needed something to do or something bad might happen.

The next day I already had a doctor's appointment planned with my primary doctor for an unrelated matter and was supposed to be off work anyway. Because of this, I didn't bother calling my psychiatrist yet.

I went to the appointment. He could tell right away that I was not well. We discussed the initial reason for my visit, then he probed about my current mindset. I got upset again, crying in the office as I recounted what had happened.

He was very concerned, asking me if I had been seeing things or hearing things, etc etc. Standard questions. I hadn't gone that far. The last time I hallucinated was a long while ago, back when I wasn't on any mood stabilizers. Since then I hadn't gone completely out there with my mania.

But my delusions still worried him, as well as my inability to control my temper.

He wrote me off work, afraid that going would end up driving me to harm myself, someone else, or just walk out and quit. He told me to come back in a week for reevaluation and to call my psychiatrist.

I had them fax the note, and had my mother deliver the original the next day.

A week past. I forgot to call my pdoc. I just tried to focus on not being stressed. I was fine being manic so long as I wasn't pushed into being angry.

That weekend we had already planned on having a night out with a bunch of friends. I probably should have just stayed home, but the event had been planned for months.

During the night, someone asked me about what happened at work. I told them the story. Just talking about it got me very worked up, but I choked it down. In my head though, I was starting to sink into my anger.

We left the house and went to a strip club. Probably the last place I needed to go. I had money to spend and there were naked women every where.

My girlfriend was there, and when we were set to leave I had disappeared for a bit. I had went to a table that she could not see and sat down there for a round. She didn't think I was going to be gone that long.

When I got back she was mad at me for taking so long. The switch flipped, and I went from being in a really good mood to being just fucking horribly pissed off. As we left to walk to the car I started yelling at her, in front of our friends. Thinking about it now makes me feel terrible.

Anyway, as the following week approached, I wasn't really better. I was still very distant and cold, according to my girlfriend. I went in to my followup appointment with my primary doctor. He could tell that I was still not feeling well and asked me why I hadn't called my pdoc.

Based on my unstable mood, he wrote me off another week of work. He also increased my lamictal to 200mg and insisted I call my pdoc. I did so when I got home. They wanted me to come in on Wed, but I told them I couldn't pay for the visit till Thursday (my insurance doesn't cover it).

Two days later, went to the pdoc. Once again told the whole story. It took up well over my allotted fifteen minutes. I think for the first time Dr. Saeed realized just how large a problem my mood swings are for me. He took out his pad and started to write me 200mg lamictal, but I told him my primary doctor had already written it. He also renewed my xanax, and also gave me 100mg trazadone to help me sleep, as I was only getting 2-3 hours a night at this point. He wanted to have me come back in a week, but I told him there was no way I could afford another visit that soon and we agreed for me to come back on the 4th of May.

Well, here we are, five days later. I feel better mood wise, more back to my old self. The only problem is that my anxiety is through the roof. My bloodpressure is probably ridiculous at this point. I have my appointment with my primary care doctor tomorrow, and I know I will be cleared to return to work, which means I will have to call tomorrow and speak to the owner. This will be the first contact I will have with her since the incident.

I have two worries here. One, she just tells me not to come in, that I no longer have a job. If she does this, I know I have grounds for a lawsuit, though I don't know if the ACLU would help me. Plus, that wouldn't help me short term in regards to money to pay for my insurance and pdoc appointments, as well as expenses with our new apartment.

My second worry is that she does agree for me to come back, but I know that none of the issues I had before the incident will be resolved, and worse, may actually be inflated. I am worried that she will use this incident to further discriminate me when compared to the other employees, maybe even hoping to push me to the point that I will quit.

My chest is hurting me. I feel like I am being shocked underneath my sternum and my skin feels hot. I am deathly afraid of what is going to happen in the next few days. Every instinct in my body wants to just run away from everything.

This is my life. I am going to end up alone, on the street with no one who gives a shit about me and unable to take care of myself. If not for my mother and my girlfriend, I would have nothing. I wouldn't have a home. I wouldn't have food. I wouldn't have anything. I am a useless piece of society who will never rise above being a broken human being.

I'm not depressed. I am merely facing reality. It does make me sad to acknowledge these things, but I know full well that this is the truth. At least I can accept it.

Sorry for the wordiness. Here endeth the post.

Disability

I have been denied disability. I am not surprised. In fact, I said all along I expected it. I knew I would have to file an appeal. But that doesn't mean I am happy about it. A small part of me really hoped it would be over.

Oh well.

Adderal Power!

Couple updates.

On the 27th I had the first appointment with my new psychiatrist. Not 100% sure about him yet. First of all, he is foreign. He has a thick accent and at times I had trouble understanding him. I don't really care where he's from so long as he knows what he's talking about. But at the same time I wish I would have been able to choose who I was going to see.

We went over everything, which was hard because I basically had to explain eight months of hard work I had done with my previous pdoc in thirty minutes. Something that annoyed me was that he seemed to question a lot of things. Like whether or not I was bipolar, etc etc. He was worried that my manic episodes were drug-induced from antidepressants. But I tried to explain to him that I wasn't always on medication and when I wasn't I still had the same problems.

I brought up the ADHD thing like I had planned. I explained that my former pdoc and I had talked about Adderal and other medications and that we just never got around to working on it. He seemed hesitant, which I hate. I know Adderal is like a class II controlled substance and I'd hate to believe that he thought I was just seeking a fix or something. Another shitty part about having to switch doctors is I have lost that trust I had with the previous pdoc. With Dr. Kanovitz I had a certain amount of control over what I was taking. With Dr. Saeed, I don't know if I will have that.

Anyway, moving on.

Today I had an appointment with my primary doctor to look at a weird mole. Turns out it is fine, just large and weird looking. But while I was there I brought up the whole mess and explained the situation. He wrote me a script for Adderal. That's the trust I'm talking about. He knows me. He knows I'm not just seeking drugs. So he wrote it for me.

Of course now I'm worried it's going to turn me into a spaz!

Long October

Well, it's been about three weeks since I have written anything. I've been meaning to, as quite a bit has happened, but I just haven't really had the desire to sit down and actually do something about it. But here we are, so here it goes.

First, here is some back story. I've been going to Lifespring since February. There I was treated by both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Before my first appointment, I applied for financial help because at the time I did not have any insurance. I qualified for the top tier, which meant I would only have to pay 20% of the appointment cost. It is important to note that when I was filling out that paperwork, I told the lady that I had applied for the Healthy Indiana Plan (a type of insurance). She didn't say anything in regards to me having the insurance. I knew they didn't accept it, so I still needed the assistance.

Fast forward seven months.

At my last psychiatrist appointment, before I was called back, the administrator called me up to the window. She informed me that because I had Anthem Healthy Indiana Plan insurance, that I would be required to pay full price for visits, which is $125. I was told that their policy is that no one can be subsidized if they have insurance, even if Lifespring doesn't accept the insurance. She further added that they "had turned a blind eye" to me, but they could no longer ignore the fact that I have insurance.

So basically, if I wanted to continue being seen there, I would have to pay $125 a visit. This made me very upset. When I went back to see my doctor I was crying and pissed off and practically on the verge of having a break down. He seemed rather angry about the whole thing himself. He was very concerned for my well-being, asking me several times if I was okay to leave and what not. Unfortunately, it is not a private practice. He doesn't make the rules. So he couldn't do anything to help me.

Fast forward a few days. I managed to get through it without falling into a pit of depression, which is good. I went to anthem's website and found a list of providers that were supposed to accept my insurance. So I started calling them.

95% of the numbers were disconnected, or if someone did answer they didn't recognize the doctors names. The only place that did answer was Park View, which is a place in Jeffersonville. They have several doctors on staff. Only one catch. They DO accept my insurance, but only for CURRENT clients. They are not accepting NEW clients with MY insurance. So if I wanted to be seen there, I would have to pay cash.

Oh, and apparently I had been seen there before and I owed them $41, which would have to be paid before they would schedule me.

Their prices are $195 for the first visit, then $70 for each visit afterward. I cannot afford that any more than I can afford the Lifespring fees. Luckily, my mother has said she would pay for the visits because she knows I need them. So I have an appointment for Dr. Saeed on the 29th of October.

I'm a little nervous about my first visit, which I'm sure will only get worse the day I actually go in. I'm sure by then my nerves will be shot and I'll be a wreck. Anyway, there are a few things I definitely need to bring up during the first visit.

Number one: I need to get new scripts for all my medication.

Number two: I want off cymbalta completely. I'd rather go back to Lexapro because I know my insurance covers it. They only covered cymbalta after three weeks of deliberation and if the dosage is changed or anything we'll have to go through it all over again. It's just too much hastle.

Number three: Ambien. I'm currently on 5mg of Ambien for sleep problems. Unfortunately, it does absolutely dick for me. I've taken it a handful of times now and usually just end up staring at the wall like I normally do. I took it last night and played an hour-long game on NBA 2k10 without ever feeling even slightly impaired or tired.

Number four: ADHD. Before I the whole mess with my previous pdoc, we had talked about me possibly having attention problems. Here are some of the Adult symptoms of the Impulsive type of ADHD. The italicized symptoms are ones I experience normally.

Chooses highly active, stimulating jobs

Avoids situations with low physical activity or sedentary work

May choose to work long hours or two jobs

Seeks constant activity

Easily bored

Impatient

Intolerant to frustration, easily irritated

Impulsive, snap decisions and irresponsible behaviors

Loses temper easily, angers quickly

Obviously this doesn't mean I have ADHD. Some of those could be due to my anxiety as well as hypomania, both of which I suffer from. But I do have issues with sitting down and doing one thing. I try to watch a television show and five minutes later I have to run into the other room to get on the computer. Not because I'm expecting anything or because I want to look up something, but simply because I need to do something else.

There's a drug called Adderall which is supposed to help a lot with attention problems. I want to talk to the new doctor about this. But I'm worried that because I am a new patient he will not be willing to jump on board with it. I'm pretty sure that my former pdoc would have listened to me and considered what I am saying, but I know doctors are always hesitant to prescribe controlled substances to new patients.

All in all, I know I still have a lot of problems. Xanax doesn't seem to help much anymore, even at 1mg at a time. I've thought about taking more but I don't want to get into that habit. Good news is that I haven't had a bout of depression/hypomania since the last one where I hurt myself which is good.

Okay. That's enough for tonight.

Hospital

I'm sad and lonely but I have a hard time admitting this to anyone, not even to myself. I feel overwhelmed by every little thing. Last night I did something stupid and carved my arm up because I thought it would make me feel better. In one sense it did. It let out all the shit I have inside of me. But afterwards I felt ashamed and mad at myself for doing it.

Tiffany took me to the hospital. I never really like going but I understand that sometimes I need to go so I didn't fight it. I know when I feel bad. I'm aware of it even if I can't do anything about it.

So we went and I nearly had a panic attack in the library because my social anxiety was in overdrive due to all the people in the waiting room, on top of the fact that my arm was a bleeding mess. Luckily I didn't have to sit out there more than ten minutes before they ushered me back to the loony ward. I have to say though, it was a lot better than when I went to U of L. First of all, they allowed Tiffany to come back and sit in the little room with me. Second of all, there weren't drunk criminals all over the place like at U of L.

We were there about three and a half hours before they decided not to admit me. I'm glad they didn't. I really didn't feel like being there all alone by myself. It would have been even worse than how I was already feeling. Besides, I had already hurt myself. I already felt so terrible about doing it that I knew I wouldn't do it again any time soon.

Today I'm still feeling down, though not as bad as I was last night. So I called into work. I sorta lied and said I was still in the hospital as I felt like that would make explaining it a lot easier. But now I feel bad for lying. Oh well. I guess I'm lucky to have a job that understands what I have to deal with.

I'm Sorry

Metallica Concert

So I had my mini-vacation this week. Tuesday we went to Cincinnati to see Metallica. Somehow I've managed to never see one of my favorite bands in concert even though I've had several opportunities. I finally was able to cross them off my list.

It wasn't without its trials, however. Sitting through the first two bands I wasn't feeling that well. I got a really bad tension headache because I was stressing out about all the people. I did that stupid thing I do where I think everyone is staring at me, wondering why I'm not enjoying things as much as them, judging me and looking down at me.

All in all, any discomfort I experienced was worth it. Metallica was amazing. I really can't put the experience into words. They are as damn near perfect live as I've ever seen.

Also, in the news, Tiffany's friend (and mine) Brandi came up to visit to go with us to Cincy and to have a little mini-vacation of her own. Seeing her and Tiff together made me kind of sad that she lives so far away. She really is the only real, true friend Tiffany has that she doesn't know through me. Some of her friends are okay, some of them I actually like, but none of them are ever really there for her. I wish Brandi lived closer if only so that Tiff could have her best friend all year long.

Metallica

Tonight is the night we've been looking forward to since February. Tonight we will travel to Cincinnati to see Metallica. It seems so long ago that we bought the tickets that it is hard to believe that it's finally here. Oddly enough, I'm not really that excited (though I'm sure that will change after Lamb of God finishes their set).

I'm a little worried about all the people that will be there, but things like this usually don't bother me. But if that changes I'll just take a xanax or two. Maybe I'll post a couple pictures.

Cymbalta

I use to be on lexapro. But at my second-to-last pdoc appointment he decided to switch me over to Cymbalta. At the time he just gave me a bunch of samples until my next appointment. When I went to see him then, he gave me a prescription for it.

When I went to fill it, it came back as a prior authorization, which basically means for whatever reason the insurance company doesn't want to cover it under normal circumstances. In this case, Cymbalta isn't a "preferred drug." They would much rather me take something else (something a little less expensive).

Now, I have to say first and foremost, the place I see my psychiatrist and psychologist at is very poorly organized and they are constantly running days behind schedule on everything. So it took five days to even hear back from the nurse in regards to the prior authorization. At that point she said she called my insurance and got it approved.

My pharmacist once again attempted to run the script through, and once again it was denied.

The major problem here is that I've already started taking the medication, and it is not something I can simply stop taking without going into withdrawal.

So today I called the nurse back to basically beg for some more samples to hold me over until this gets sorted out. And of course, she doesn't answer her phone. I leave a message, and of course she doesn't ever call me back. I'm really starting to get sick and tired of the way things work at their office. I really like my psychiatrist (my psychologist is okay, though I do prefer the one I had originally). He's done a lot to help me. But at some point they better get their act together or I'll be forced to go somewhere else.

Leave Me Alone

I didn't want to go out. I just wanted to stay home and relax. All weekend has been about everyone else. Maybe I just wanted a night for myself. But as usual that is too much to ask.
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People Everywhere

So last night our roommate had a bunch of people over for Part 1 of his birthday celebration. There were about twenty people cramped into our small living room as we watched ridiculously bad movies. Unfortunately, that many people in such a confined space, even though they were people I know, set off a nice little bout of social anxiety. I felt like the air was being sucked out of the room and that everyone was judging me because I was being quiet and not taking part in the festivities. I ended up having to take two xanax to calm down and not freak out, which helped a lot but made me a little drowsy. By the time the last movie was started I was already ready for bed. I made it through though, but just barely.

Part 2 is tonight, which means another large group of people. Hopefully I get through it a little better this time.

Bad Night

I had a bad night last night. I felt like I was going up and down and up and down over and over again. It wouldn't stop. One moment I would be in tears the next moment I was a ball of anger and frustration. Not over anything in particular, but over everything that I could think of. It started while I was at work yesterday. I kept it to myself pretty much so no one else would notice that anything was wrong, but it got to the point that I bought a razor blade. I planned on cutting myself that night after everyone had gone to bed.

I got so worked up that I threw my dinner away that I had just cooked and shoved my girlfriend out of the way and ran into the room. I sat alone for twenty minutes or so just steaming over everything, getting more and more worked up. Then she came in and tried to talk to me. I don't remember all of the conversation but I remember going from one extreme to the other, being a crying mess and then angry and hateful.

At one point I got the razor out of my bag when she wasn't paying attention. I thought about just jabbing it into my arm. I didn't want to kill myself. I just needed to let it all out. To let all the anger out because it was killing me to hold it in.

She came over and sat down beside me and I hid the blade. Several minutes passed and then I forced myself to give her the razor. I knew it was wrong what I wanted to do, and for a brief moment reason won out. We talked for a little bit. I tried to take the razor back from her but she got away and got rid of it. I'm ashamed of myself for how I acted. It was like I lost control of myself for short little bursts.

I got really upset afterward and suggested maybe I should go to the hospital. But then I got really angry with her because she wasn't sure whether or not I should go. It took a lot for me to even suggest going and then when she acted like I might not need to go I took it personally and I became irate with her. She thought I was just playing some game with her, like I wanted to go the hospital but I wouldn't just say it. But I didn't want to go to the hospital. I hate the hospital I hate going there. I hate how it makes me feel. But I also recognized that I was out of control and I probably needed to go.

We ended up not going and instead just tried to go to sleep. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned for hours upon hours. I still feel like a ball of energy and it's really fucking annoying. All in all, I probably got 2 to 3 hours of sleep.

I didn't go to work today. I had her call my boss and tell them why I couldn't come in. I'm not in any shape to go to work.

Can't Sleep

Can't sleep. Can't sleep. Can't sleep. All I do is toss and turn. Nothing helps. I just want to go to sleep but all I can think about is getting up and running around.

Fucking Bitch

I swear if that fucking bitch gives me any more of her fucking attitude I'm going to fucking tell her off. I'm not going to just sit and take it like everyone else.
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Labor Day

It's so nice to have a job where I actually get days off, no matter how mind-numbingly boring it is. So this week I got a four day weekend. Only bad part is I was asked to work this coming Friday since I'm getting Monday off. Should be fine I suppose. I can't really afford to miss the extra six hours of pay. But at the same time I was looking forward to a three day work week. Oh well.

In other news, Metallica is right around the corner. September 15th. I need to remind my boss on Tuesday that I need the 15th off. It's going to suck for them but oh well. This has been planned since February and there's no chance I'm missing it. Despite all the chances I've had, I've never seen Metallica in concert and I'm fucking pumped about going. The one thing that I'm not looking forward to is going to Cincinnati (as I hate that city), as well as all the people who will be there (I can feel the social anxiety creeping in already). But that's why I have xanax.

Lamictal

A lot has happened. Let's catch up.

I quit my job.

I was unemployed for about a month or so. During which time I went through a bout of depression followed by hypomania.

I was taken off Depakote because it made me gain about forty pounds.

I was taken off Lexapro and moved to Cymbalta.

My abilify dose was halved due to possible reactions with Cymbalta.

I found a new job at a pharmacy that I worked before. It's very boring and I find myself wanting to scratch my eye balls out sometimes but at the end of the day it's very easy. I suffered a panic attack my second day there as I felt very overwhelmed by the people coming in and the constant ringing of the phone but I got through it. I'm only working twenty four hours a week, which is hard on the wallet but I'm getting by. I'm really hoping social security comes through in October/November, but I'm sure I'll be denied on my first run.

At my recent psychiatrist appointment, my doctor put bipolar back on the table as my diagnosis. I never really considered it off the table, but as we discussed, the reason it was taken off the table was because I seem to have an issue with telling the whole truth at my appointments. Apparently my control issues keep me from divulging everything out of fear that I am giving up control over myself, he thought, which makes a lot of sense.

With bipolar back on the table came a new drug: Lamictal. Before we decided on this, he offered me a whole range of medications. He told me about their side-effects and how some of them would require frequent blood tests, such as the case with Lithium. Lamictal sounded the most promising for several reasons.

1: It doesn't require any blood tests.

2: It is most effective in treatment of bipolar depression, which is a much larger problem for me than mania.

3: It doesn't include weight gain as possible side effects, and generally its side effects are less than that of the other drugs.

However, he did warn me about a possible side effect that causes the layers of skin to separate and develop into a rash of lesions. It is very, very rare. However, my brain is retarded. And no matter how rare it is, I am now freaking out about the whole thing, which is causing me to hold off on taking the first dose. I have no reason to suspect that I will suffer from this reaction, but I'm worried about it nonetheless. Worry, worry, worry. That's all I do, it seems.

I wish I knew some other people who are on this medication to talk about it with.

Work Again

So I had today what I would consider my worst day ever at my current employment. Everything was chaotic and everyone was busy ripping shit up and cleaning and basically trying to turn the place into a completely different work enviorment for some investors that are coming next week. With all my bosses gone that I had grown to appreciate and, for the most part, like, I now face a new set of managers who have to walk in step with the corporate line because if they don't they'll be gone just like my old boss.

It's really aggrivating to me the way things have turned out. I really don't know what else to say. I wish I could find another job fast but who knows how things will go. Not to mention the fact that I have no idea how a new job would even turn out. It makes me sad that things have come to this.

The Long Road to Relaxation

I am restless. Not just the normal "I'm bored and I wish I had something to do" kind of restless. More like the "I feel like jabbing my eyeballs out" kind of restless. I easily could find something to do or somewhere to go if I truly wanted to but at the end of the day I don't really want to do anything. Unfortunately that is only adding to this overwhelming feeling that I am wasting every second of my time doing nothing productive and I might as well just keel over.

There's been a lot of bad shit going on at work lately, too much to really get into, but needless to say it has caused me a lot of excess stress which I have been dealing with about as well as one could expect. I've had good days and bad days. One moment things don't seem as bad as I think the next they are ten times worse. I guess I can only just wait it through and see what happens for now, but the uncertainty really frustrates me. That, more than anything, makes me just want to give up and find a new job. I need stability, not confusion. My life is unstable enough without work being a giant pile of shit.

In other news, I've slowly but surely started working on my SSI forms. It's kind of a pain in the ass, and it doesn't help to know that I'm going to immediately be rejected. It's hard to motivate yourself when you know failure is the first in a long line of steps toward getting the help I need. Oh well. What else can I do?

No Subject

I tire of the monotony of life.

I feel like shit

So I'm physically ill, which makes things even harder to deal with on the mental side of things. So let's just get this little story started. First, I had an appointment with a MD today. It wasn't my normal doctor because he is on vacation, so I had to see the other guy. He was fine enough, gave me some antibiotics and some better cough medicine, or so I thought. I get to the drug store and apparently the cough syrup he prescribed was just OTC tussin DM. Thanks. I totally could have bought that on my own.

When I started to think about it, I decided that I think the reason why he did that was he because he wasn't comfortable giving me a narcotic cough reliever. After all, I'm crazy, right? He sees Depakote and Abilify and all that other stuff and assumes I might be just seeking codeine or something to self medicate. That's really the only thing I can think of. Why else would he waste my time with giving me robatussin? The fucked up thing is I've never been a "self medicator" in that sense. Yes, I've bought and used OTC products before when I probably didn't need to. There were times in my life that I practically lived off of OTC cough syrup because I was convinced I couldn't breath without it. But I've never done that with prescription drugs.

Oh well.

He told me to call back in Monday if I'm not feeling better as my doctor might change that he gave me, which is what made me think this doctor was holding back on me.