I'm Sorry

Metallica Concert

So I had my mini-vacation this week. Tuesday we went to Cincinnati to see Metallica. Somehow I've managed to never see one of my favorite bands in concert even though I've had several opportunities. I finally was able to cross them off my list.

It wasn't without its trials, however. Sitting through the first two bands I wasn't feeling that well. I got a really bad tension headache because I was stressing out about all the people. I did that stupid thing I do where I think everyone is staring at me, wondering why I'm not enjoying things as much as them, judging me and looking down at me.

All in all, any discomfort I experienced was worth it. Metallica was amazing. I really can't put the experience into words. They are as damn near perfect live as I've ever seen.

Also, in the news, Tiffany's friend (and mine) Brandi came up to visit to go with us to Cincy and to have a little mini-vacation of her own. Seeing her and Tiff together made me kind of sad that she lives so far away. She really is the only real, true friend Tiffany has that she doesn't know through me. Some of her friends are okay, some of them I actually like, but none of them are ever really there for her. I wish Brandi lived closer if only so that Tiff could have her best friend all year long.

Metallica

Tonight is the night we've been looking forward to since February. Tonight we will travel to Cincinnati to see Metallica. It seems so long ago that we bought the tickets that it is hard to believe that it's finally here. Oddly enough, I'm not really that excited (though I'm sure that will change after Lamb of God finishes their set).

I'm a little worried about all the people that will be there, but things like this usually don't bother me. But if that changes I'll just take a xanax or two. Maybe I'll post a couple pictures.

Cymbalta

I use to be on lexapro. But at my second-to-last pdoc appointment he decided to switch me over to Cymbalta. At the time he just gave me a bunch of samples until my next appointment. When I went to see him then, he gave me a prescription for it.

When I went to fill it, it came back as a prior authorization, which basically means for whatever reason the insurance company doesn't want to cover it under normal circumstances. In this case, Cymbalta isn't a "preferred drug." They would much rather me take something else (something a little less expensive).

Now, I have to say first and foremost, the place I see my psychiatrist and psychologist at is very poorly organized and they are constantly running days behind schedule on everything. So it took five days to even hear back from the nurse in regards to the prior authorization. At that point she said she called my insurance and got it approved.

My pharmacist once again attempted to run the script through, and once again it was denied.

The major problem here is that I've already started taking the medication, and it is not something I can simply stop taking without going into withdrawal.

So today I called the nurse back to basically beg for some more samples to hold me over until this gets sorted out. And of course, she doesn't answer her phone. I leave a message, and of course she doesn't ever call me back. I'm really starting to get sick and tired of the way things work at their office. I really like my psychiatrist (my psychologist is okay, though I do prefer the one I had originally). He's done a lot to help me. But at some point they better get their act together or I'll be forced to go somewhere else.

Leave Me Alone

I didn't want to go out. I just wanted to stay home and relax. All weekend has been about everyone else. Maybe I just wanted a night for myself. But as usual that is too much to ask.
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People Everywhere

So last night our roommate had a bunch of people over for Part 1 of his birthday celebration. There were about twenty people cramped into our small living room as we watched ridiculously bad movies. Unfortunately, that many people in such a confined space, even though they were people I know, set off a nice little bout of social anxiety. I felt like the air was being sucked out of the room and that everyone was judging me because I was being quiet and not taking part in the festivities. I ended up having to take two xanax to calm down and not freak out, which helped a lot but made me a little drowsy. By the time the last movie was started I was already ready for bed. I made it through though, but just barely.

Part 2 is tonight, which means another large group of people. Hopefully I get through it a little better this time.

Bad Night

I had a bad night last night. I felt like I was going up and down and up and down over and over again. It wouldn't stop. One moment I would be in tears the next moment I was a ball of anger and frustration. Not over anything in particular, but over everything that I could think of. It started while I was at work yesterday. I kept it to myself pretty much so no one else would notice that anything was wrong, but it got to the point that I bought a razor blade. I planned on cutting myself that night after everyone had gone to bed.

I got so worked up that I threw my dinner away that I had just cooked and shoved my girlfriend out of the way and ran into the room. I sat alone for twenty minutes or so just steaming over everything, getting more and more worked up. Then she came in and tried to talk to me. I don't remember all of the conversation but I remember going from one extreme to the other, being a crying mess and then angry and hateful.

At one point I got the razor out of my bag when she wasn't paying attention. I thought about just jabbing it into my arm. I didn't want to kill myself. I just needed to let it all out. To let all the anger out because it was killing me to hold it in.

She came over and sat down beside me and I hid the blade. Several minutes passed and then I forced myself to give her the razor. I knew it was wrong what I wanted to do, and for a brief moment reason won out. We talked for a little bit. I tried to take the razor back from her but she got away and got rid of it. I'm ashamed of myself for how I acted. It was like I lost control of myself for short little bursts.

I got really upset afterward and suggested maybe I should go to the hospital. But then I got really angry with her because she wasn't sure whether or not I should go. It took a lot for me to even suggest going and then when she acted like I might not need to go I took it personally and I became irate with her. She thought I was just playing some game with her, like I wanted to go the hospital but I wouldn't just say it. But I didn't want to go to the hospital. I hate the hospital I hate going there. I hate how it makes me feel. But I also recognized that I was out of control and I probably needed to go.

We ended up not going and instead just tried to go to sleep. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned for hours upon hours. I still feel like a ball of energy and it's really fucking annoying. All in all, I probably got 2 to 3 hours of sleep.

I didn't go to work today. I had her call my boss and tell them why I couldn't come in. I'm not in any shape to go to work.