Can't Sleep
Can't sleep. Can't sleep. Can't sleep. All I do is toss and turn. Nothing helps. I just want to go to sleep but all I can think about is getting up and running around.
Fucking Bitch
I swear if that fucking bitch gives me any more of her fucking attitude I'm going to fucking tell her off. I'm not going to just sit and take it like everyone else.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
Labor Day
It's so nice to have a job where I actually get days off, no matter how mind-numbingly boring it is. So this week I got a four day weekend. Only bad part is I was asked to work this coming Friday since I'm getting Monday off. Should be fine I suppose. I can't really afford to miss the extra six hours of pay. But at the same time I was looking forward to a three day work week. Oh well.
In other news, Metallica is right around the corner. September 15th. I need to remind my boss on Tuesday that I need the 15th off. It's going to suck for them but oh well. This has been planned since February and there's no chance I'm missing it. Despite all the chances I've had, I've never seen Metallica in concert and I'm fucking pumped about going. The one thing that I'm not looking forward to is going to Cincinnati (as I hate that city), as well as all the people who will be there (I can feel the social anxiety creeping in already). But that's why I have xanax.
Lamictal
A lot has happened. Let's catch up.
I quit my job.
I was unemployed for about a month or so. During which time I went through a bout of depression followed by hypomania.
I was taken off Depakote because it made me gain about forty pounds.
I was taken off Lexapro and moved to Cymbalta.
My abilify dose was halved due to possible reactions with Cymbalta.
I found a new job at a pharmacy that I worked before. It's very boring and I find myself wanting to scratch my eye balls out sometimes but at the end of the day it's very easy. I suffered a panic attack my second day there as I felt very overwhelmed by the people coming in and the constant ringing of the phone but I got through it. I'm only working twenty four hours a week, which is hard on the wallet but I'm getting by. I'm really hoping social security comes through in October/November, but I'm sure I'll be denied on my first run.
At my recent psychiatrist appointment, my doctor put bipolar back on the table as my diagnosis. I never really considered it off the table, but as we discussed, the reason it was taken off the table was because I seem to have an issue with telling the whole truth at my appointments. Apparently my control issues keep me from divulging everything out of fear that I am giving up control over myself, he thought, which makes a lot of sense.
With bipolar back on the table came a new drug: Lamictal. Before we decided on this, he offered me a whole range of medications. He told me about their side-effects and how some of them would require frequent blood tests, such as the case with Lithium. Lamictal sounded the most promising for several reasons.
1: It doesn't require any blood tests.
2: It is most effective in treatment of bipolar depression, which is a much larger problem for me than mania.
3: It doesn't include weight gain as possible side effects, and generally its side effects are less than that of the other drugs.
However, he did warn me about a possible side effect that causes the layers of skin to separate and develop into a rash of lesions. It is very, very rare. However, my brain is retarded. And no matter how rare it is, I am now freaking out about the whole thing, which is causing me to hold off on taking the first dose. I have no reason to suspect that I will suffer from this reaction, but I'm worried about it nonetheless. Worry, worry, worry. That's all I do, it seems.
I wish I knew some other people who are on this medication to talk about it with.
Work Again
So I had today what I would consider my worst day ever at my current employment. Everything was chaotic and everyone was busy ripping shit up and cleaning and basically trying to turn the place into a completely different work enviorment for some investors that are coming next week. With all my bosses gone that I had grown to appreciate and, for the most part, like, I now face a new set of managers who have to walk in step with the corporate line because if they don't they'll be gone just like my old boss.
It's really aggrivating to me the way things have turned out. I really don't know what else to say. I wish I could find another job fast but who knows how things will go. Not to mention the fact that I have no idea how a new job would even turn out. It makes me sad that things have come to this.
The Long Road to Relaxation
I am restless. Not just the normal "I'm bored and I wish I had something to do" kind of restless. More like the "I feel like jabbing my eyeballs out" kind of restless. I easily could find something to do or somewhere to go if I truly wanted to but at the end of the day I don't really want to do anything. Unfortunately that is only adding to this overwhelming feeling that I am wasting every second of my time doing nothing productive and I might as well just keel over.
There's been a lot of bad shit going on at work lately, too much to really get into, but needless to say it has caused me a lot of excess stress which I have been dealing with about as well as one could expect. I've had good days and bad days. One moment things don't seem as bad as I think the next they are ten times worse. I guess I can only just wait it through and see what happens for now, but the uncertainty really frustrates me. That, more than anything, makes me just want to give up and find a new job. I need stability, not confusion. My life is unstable enough without work being a giant pile of shit.
In other news, I've slowly but surely started working on my SSI forms. It's kind of a pain in the ass, and it doesn't help to know that I'm going to immediately be rejected. It's hard to motivate yourself when you know failure is the first in a long line of steps toward getting the help I need. Oh well. What else can I do?